|
|
SEX
KID RULES
HONEY DO'S OUTLAWS
CONFLICT
THEIR FRIENDS MISC
Affairs
Conflict in a Relationship
Number One Rule in Relationship Conflict
Management:
Taking the conflict at hand into perspective, how will this conflict appear
in 20 years? If it appears for lack of a better term, stupid, then the
conflict is usually isn't worth continuing. Usually a conflict that
wouldn't hold significance with 20 years retrospective analysis, isn't worth
the conflict it is currently causing. Usually, the conflict is being
fueled by underlying issues that have nothing to do with the current topic
of argument.
Number Two Rule: Conflict, in relationships that
are usually older than 3 years, serve to enhance passion, as long as the
conflict follows a set "rules of rules". Conflict that
doesn't follow a "code of engagement" is doomed to be destructive.
Sarcasm rarely has a place in conflict resolution. Sarcasm usually acts to
"cut" and put someone in defensive posture. Defensive posturing
doesn't add to conflict resolution.
If you are going to be in conflict, make sure it is
worth the trouble.
Three Basic Types of Conflict:
*Two of which are necessary.
-
Conflict that has no potential resolution and is based
on individual differences*
-
Conflict that has positive potential to create passion*
-
Conflict that is destructive and is driven by our needs
to control
Kind of ironic how two people that initially come together
with positive chemistry and sparkling eyes can turn on each other in a flash
and wage a war of verbal ferocity that cuts so personal and deep that they
end up despising each other. So you might ask what could possibly
be considered positive about conflict in a relationship? Well, the
answer is passion. In the early stages of relationships we rely
on brain chemicals and hormone responses to drive our attractions.
These chemicals put us in the mood to be in the presence of the other
person. Then, while in the company of this other person we decide whether
more non chemical based affection develops out of admiration and respect for
this other person. If this happens, then a serious relationship blooms
and progresses. However, a funny thing happens next. As we spend
more time with the other person and the initial hypnotic effects of the
courtship chemicals wear off, and each person begins to remember that they
are also an individual, not just a couple. When this occurs,
individual desires and priorities come back into focus. If the
couples priorities differ from time to time conflict develops.
This conflict can be more intense when both individuals feel strongly about
their point of view. Here conflict is engaged to maintain and
affirm each individuals identity. Conflict that arises out of different
points of view doesn't need resolution, but needs mutual respect.
In relationships where the courtship chemistry has warn
off, conflict can be engaged in to create passion. True passion will
recreate the courtship chemicals. It is more necessary as the age of the
relationship progresses to engage in structured safe conflict to enhance
passion. This resolution of this type of conflict creates the waves of
passion. Women have an innate sense of a relationships need for this
because they are emotions based. Again, this type of conflict needs to
be accepted, not fixed, but its resolution engaged as a process. It is
important that this type of conflict have a mutually agreed upon set of
rules for engagement and resolution. Breaking out of these accepted
rules throws the conflict into the destructive type that is considered
control oriented conflict.
Control based conflict is usually where most relationships
head south and disintegrate. A unique "dance" of control
arises out of each person's attempt to drive the relationship away from
areas that may be perceived as uncomfortable and is amplified by a person's
insecurities, which are usually based on "old
baggage". This type of conflict is driven by subconscious
insecurities and has the highest percentage of "selective amnesia"
when it comes to a person taking responsibility for their controlling
behavior. This type of conflict has no "real-time"
psycho-spiritual growth potential for either party, and because of the
negative issues that drive this control oriented conflict, the damage
that occurs often ends the relationship.
The Solution:
May a conscious effort to stop momentarily at any conflict
and think to yourself
-
Is this conflict about differences in opinions That is
allowable and doesn't need resolution.
-
Does this conflict come when passion is needed or wanted
in a relationship?
-
If this feels really uncomfortable, voice that
discomfort, and ask for compassion in what may be irrational
feelings.
-
Inject humor into the diffusing of uncomfortable
conflict. This is not to be confused with sarcasm, which has no place in
loving relationships. Sarcasm is condescension personally directed
to put a person into a defense posture. Sarcasm is offensive and
meant to control. Life was meant to be fun. Humor is
fun.
-
Constructive fighting maintains each persons sense of
value.
-
Destructive fighting destroys a persons sense of
worth. People don't like to feel worthless.
-
Women fight from emotion
-
Men don't understand emotion.
-
Men fight from logic
-
Logic doesn't hear emotion.
-
When a man to does anything else but listen in any
conflict started by a woman. This would be the same as trying to play racquetball
without a racquet, and without any clothes. When a man tries to
talk in that conflict, he now walks onto the court "exposed"
to a partner wielding a racquet and many hard rubber balls. Not quite
the place to be dangling around.
-
Don't interrogate when communicating. People don't
like to feel like they are on trial.
-
Don't blame
-
Explain why you are angry.
-
DON'T HIT
-
Verbal attack can be just as damaging as physical.
-
Don't try and fix a mad woman. Just let her be mad
and it'll usually just goes away. Try and fix mad, or rationalize her
anger to her and your goose is cooked.
-
If you walk away from a fight, set a time to come
back. Don't walk out indefinitely just to spite her. Bad move,
bad results.
-
It is alright to disagree.
-
Agree that it is alright to disagree.
-
Constructive fighting enhances passion in a relationship
that is no longer in the honeymoon stage.
-
If you fight, fight naked.
* Email to
Someone
SEX
KID RULES
HONEY DO'S OUTLAWS
CONFLICT
THEIR FRIENDS MISC
Content copyright 2002-6, Another site by The Diamond Matrix Group
Disclaimer
|
Getting
Through to the Man You Love :...
|
