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SEX
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Marriage and Family Counseling Thousand Oaks/West
Lake Village
Christina Steinorth, M.A., M.F.T.
Marriage, Family and Individual Psychotherapy
2277 Townsgate Road, Suite 108
Westlake Village, CA 91361
805-445-5534
E-Mail: SteinorthC@aol.com
Counseling
West Lake Village
Visit Christina's Website
CHEATING HEARTS
By
Christina Steinorth, M.A., M.F.T.
Do you know someone who has had an affair? The statistics for affairs are
staggering, so there's a good chance you do. Most studies show that
between forty to sixty percent of all married people have cheated on their
spouse. The "other man or woman" is usually no better looking
nor sexier than the spouse, so no, it's not the sex.
Why do people have affairs?
Everyone has basic emotional needs they
expect from their partner, and if these needs are not met, now their
relationship becomes susceptible to an affair. Clinical psychologist
Willard F. Harley Jr. has identified the ten basic emotional needs of all
couples. The are: affection; sexual fulfillment; conversation;
recreational companionship; honesty and openness; an attractive spouse;
financial support; domestic support; family commitment; and admiration.
What's interesting is that Dr. Harley has
also observed that men and women tend to list the importance of these qualities
in opposite order. When this happens, spouses end up doing things for each
other they would find important for themselves, but when this transpires the
other spouse feels his or her needs are down-played or perhaps not met at all.
Dr. Harley explains that when all ten emotional needs are met, there "will
be love with the one that meets them." So, if you are not meeting your
spouse's needs, or vice versa, and another persona fulfills these needs, there's
a high probability that an affair will develop.
To put Dr. Harley's theory to the test,
make two lists of the aforementioned needs: one list for your spouse and
one for yourself. Next, individually rank the importance of each emotional
need and then compare. This exercise in itself fulfills the need for
conversation, openness and honesty, so you and your spouse will be closer to
increased emotional fulfillment and you'll be safeguarding your marriage against
an affair.
Individuals often enter into relationships
with people they work or share recreational activities with. Ask yourself
if you make as much effort to participate in recreational activities with your
spouse now as you did during your courtship, or do you let your spouse do his or
her "own thing" because these activities no longer interest you.
If this is the case, watch out! You're providing your partner with the
opportunity to have more fun with someone else. Play and recreation are
powerful
bonding elements. Imagine yourself having more fun with someone other than
your
spouse over an extended period of time and imagine the feelings you may begin to
develop. Bluntly, we develop affection for those we like to play with and
those who like to play with us.
Psychologist Frank Pittman, Ph.D., sums up this theory: "Affairs are three
times more likely to be the pursuit of a buddy than the pursuit of a better
orgasm."
The ten emotional needs may easily be met
by frank discussions about expectations and a willingness to negotiate and work
on the skills needed to help meet these needs. Women in particular tend to
expect men to be able to read their minds. This is an unrealistic thought
that often leads to feelings of resentment when their needs aren't met.
Wives, you would do your husbands a great favor by asking specifically for what
you want. In general, most emotional needs are not met because a spouse
does not have a desire to fulfill them. It usually just happens because a
spouse does doesn't know what needs are not being met.
Counselor,
Counseling, Marriage, Family, Therapist, Therapy, psychologist, MPH, LPC, Phd, MAC,
MS, Social Worker, LMFT, NCC, M.A., LMSW, MSW, LMSW-AP, ACSW |
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