Counselors for Men,Relationship Marriage Therapist,Bsrrington, Counseling, Advice. Dr. Scott Haltzman

I recently gave a seminar called Marriage CPR. In advance of the talk, I tried to rally an audience by asking therapist for referrals. “I have one couple,” said a clinician I work with, “but they’re too far gone. They have no hope for reconciliation.” Ouch!

Maybe I’m naïve. Maybe I’m Pollyannaish. Maybe I’m narrow-minded. But, after seventeen years of practicing psychiatry, I believe that every couple that voluntarily attends marriage counseling has hope for keeping their marriage whole. I know couples can be helped. I’ve seen husbands and wives who enter therapy believing their marriage was dead in the water, and leave therapy with hope renewed.

Not every person who seeks professional help for their marriage finds the help they need, though. A 1986 Consumer’s Report article on counseling concluded that most therapists help most people, except marriage therapists. That made sense to those of those of us who doled out advice to paying customers. We reasoned that by the time couples came to see us, they were already one foot out the domicile door. Rather than accept this as a reason for why marriages fall apart, this observation ought to be incentive for therapists to work harder at helping the couples to find a way to live together. Accepting divorce as a fait acompli is simply justification for failed therapy.

I’m not down on counseling; it has helped lots of folks. But different therapies are different; sitting alone with a therapist often results in a much different process than when you enter the office as a couple.

Here’s why people benefit so much more from solo therapy: you must live with yourself. Suppose you experience deep emotional pain. Well, you better damn well try to fix it, because you’re stuck with you. In one-on-one treatment, if you want to be happy you have to move past your broken rationalizations and maladaptive stress responses. This approach doesn’t always work; some people never successfully exorcise their internal demons. The more you resist, though, the longer you struggle within yourself. If you don’t find a way to come to grips with your failings—embrace them, even—you may never become a better person.

Here’s what happens in typical marriage therapy: Same emotional pain…but this time you don’t have to look within to solve it. The alleged cause of your problems sits in the chair across from you. And that “cause” is likely staring back at you thinking the same thing. Unlike individual therapy, in which you must find a way to come to terms with your flaws, in couple’s therapy you have a choice: if you can’t settle the problem, you can cleave from it’s perceived cause. That’s the escape hatch from emotional pain. It’s the easy way out. It doesn’t solve the root problem. And it’s wrong.

Now, I’m not saying all marriages should stay together. I abhor spousal abuse. Substance abuse and infidelity can tear apart a marriage. But most couples don’t split on these grounds. Most marriages break apart because of loss of affection, emotional distance, or just “growing apart.” As far as I’m concerned, these marriages should stay together.

I warned you before, I may be naïve or Pollyannaish. If you are already convinced that you want to end your marriage, you will dismiss my opinions as irrelevant to your own situation. True, everyone’s problems differ. But, statistically, folks who stay married have longer, healthier lives, and earn more money than their single counterparts; the lives of their children are healthier and happier also. Being married elevates the quality of your life, and the life of the person you promised yourself to.

The more optimistic couples agree there’s something good to be said about betrothal, but have convinced themselves that they just married the wrong person. In fact, people who divorce continue to look for committed relationships, most remarry later in life. Did they find the right person the second time around? Consider this statistic: divorcees who remarry have a divorce rate ten percent higher than then those in first marriages. And those that stay remarried have no higher rates of happiness than first-wed couples. If you thought divorce was necessary because you just had the wrong spouse, odds are you were mistaken.

No, you didn’t marry Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. Your partner is exactly the person you chose to marry. At the moment you stood at the altar, this person had the potential to grow in many different directions. You assumed when you slipped the ring on your spouse’s finger, his or her growth would be toward your own expectations. Similarly, your mate anticipated you would grow to meet his or her needs. Not surprisingly, things didn’t turn out as either of you had imagined. Faced with the reality that you have grown apart, you both are disappointed. Welcome to marriage.

Now, enter marriage therapy. The clinician’s office becomes a place where each partner embarks on a lengthy recitation on the failures of the other. The therapy hones in on how and why couples grow apart. Partners share their pain with each other. With the best of intentions, the counselor then tries to get the partners to see eye-to-eye. Good luck!

Studies show that most couples don’t resolve the hot button issues in relationships. Research reveals that eighty-five percent of points of contention are not resolved after five years. Thriving couples may never see eye-to-eye. Successful spouses accept that their mates have different views on things; they learn to negotiate around their partners’ perspective, not win them over to their side.

Couples therapy works when the therapist puts the problem list aside. Therapists need to remind patients that conflict is part of marriage; discontent is not evidence that something is wrong—it’s only evidence that you are married. The therapist can now teach the couples how to disagree successfully. And the premise is pretty simple: do everything you can to make your partner comfortable, feel supported and understood. Learn ways to ease into discussions, and resolve them without bitterness. Once your spouse feels loved, once you prove to him or her you can be trusted, the quality of your marriage will soar.

That’s what your marriage therapist ought to be teaching you. You and your partner chose each other out of all the people in the world, and promised to stay together for life. If you accept that you are stuck with your spouse no more or less than you are stuck with yourself, than you will accept to the challenge of finding a way to make the marriage succeed, and work hard to make sure it happens.

So, next time you enter the marriage counselor’s office, even before you sit down, ask whether there’s hope. If the answer is no, turn around and go to the nearest restaurant, order a light meal, and get out the Yellow Pages. Then find a therapist who believes in your marriage—and is willing to help you fight to make it work.